I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
