I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
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I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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