Jerry, you need to find god
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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