Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
