I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
