I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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