is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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