my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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