I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
