the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Randomize
