My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
That's what I'm talking about
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Did you poop on the roof?
Is that a no?