I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
