Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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