She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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