He told me they were just razor bumps!
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
