i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
