oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
