And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
