i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
