Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
