Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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