I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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