Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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