I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
