this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
