I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
