Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
