There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
