Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
