How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
