you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
