Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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