I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
