a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Randomize
