I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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