I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
