I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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