puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
