I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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