Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
