he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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