theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
