M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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