I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
