You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
