So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
