im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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