we have officially mastered the walk of shame
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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