My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize
