Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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