dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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