bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
