would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
