I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
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Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
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I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
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