dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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