So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
