I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
