Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
